She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
