Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
