so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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