where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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