Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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