I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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