I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
