I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
