im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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