I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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