i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize