i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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