i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
