hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
