Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
