swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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