i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
