I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
