Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
