woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Still dying that you shit outside
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
