she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
