Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
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