Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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