you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
