So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
