are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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