this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
