for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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