On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
