just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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