So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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