youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Can Purell be used as lube?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
