i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
