So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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