How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
