I heard we made out
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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