I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
