So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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