I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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