I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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