my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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