Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize