I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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