What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
