just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
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ttyl tear gas
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
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I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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