i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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