After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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