The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We just shotgunned beers for America
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
