separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
