You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
