After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
