Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
