my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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