For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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