you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
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Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
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How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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