The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
