My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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