I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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