I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
