its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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