im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
