Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
