I just threw up on my dentist
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Randomize
