I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
